cristian's wordpad & lingering thoughts

dose of Cristianism & other absurdities.

Posts from the “personal” Category

naivety

Posted on September 26, 2018

i guess this is a letter to young me, and as old me having dominion over young me, and the fortune of being older and equipped with technology and the dream of possibly time traveling by watching too much sci-fi, or something- and possibly giving you this letter. dear little boy, this is older you. and if you don’t believe me, read this letter and I’m sorry for telling people you thought you could handle the worlds pain, silly goober. but here it is: (sorry if you don’t understand a word or two, but by now you’re probably reading dictionaries, soooo not so sorry) here i (we) am (are) again. i was naive when i was a boy. i (we) still am (are)! but……

prius

Posted on September 18, 2018

i recognize this abandonment pattern. neglect and avoid pushed to the side, suffocate & deprive overwrought. rush to get over the noise stiff arm tactical markup. 1 and death on the goal practically harmless. red zone ballad demarcation change is in constance, conscientious tailored departure mademoiselle, i’ve heard you tell me this often understandable. hatchet & nail in the coffin they could hear us screaming when we’re barely talking ripple effect. tsunami wave/ dimples and neck telling me to hush because someone just called delicate. soft. let this be a lesson resolved inconclusive as it is abusive and sordid usual motive. behaviorist sadist assortment white dress. biting my lip til the flavor is gone entanglement. arthritic, you say. wait till you call some call…

you knew

Posted on September 18, 2018

it’s bittersweet. grapefruit sauvignon. rose stained cherry motif nightmare on wax on repeat. please beware of the beast swiping left. recurring sentiment, pattern repeat didn’t fall in love with your pictures. fell in love indiscreetly deciphering flaws, explicating subtle jungian traits brains defensive mechanism. delegating safety restraints decoding reflexive emotive. premeditative distaste automatic, chemical composition innate features built to delay or forego any possible symptom of a broken heart, hemoglobin battle wound syndrome saline suture. calculating how different you are 4am trip to neverland, not a trip to the bar? borderline blasphemy. there’s times you cry over art shit you gotta do alone, shit others could never remark distinguish aquatic serene, underwater nautical scene scraping off necrotic flesh your hands singed off my being…

disassociation

Posted on September 16, 2018

you passionately spoke, breathing in between ; about how we’d be able to practically look at each other without speaking and know what we mean. hold my hands. slight facial gesture, radiant beam. on the cusp of extraordinary meaning, emboldened by components we both constructed with our definition of love. uphold the only person i wouldn’t give up. ultralight fixture hooked by the seams. lean over and tell me to be sweet to you. a declaration without question i consented too. something from dreams. dreams realized by coincidence. you see, i don’t believe in happenstance, or the desultory theory. i don’t believe in randomness, or fortuitous grandeur. i don’t believe we told each other we loved each other in our most comfortable ways, because…

houston

Posted on September 7, 2018

i didn’t want this to happen. didn’t want to get launched into saturn. unmanned vessel. haunted mansion. it’s so hard to imagine myself even a month ago. don’t even remember how to breathe without thinking of you. i breathed differently before. connect the dots in the sky. constellation prize. consolation, sky. but now I’m an astronaut (not by choice) i have all the equipment. but i breathe different. houston asks if I’m okay. i tell them, i don’t remember my training. “but you’re alone up there. and radio signals are giving out soon” why does every moment replay in my head, but more vividly than when it actually happened. why does my brain think it’s funny to repaint reds better than when i saw…

a letter to no one, or a letter to whoever i think i am, or was.

Posted on August 24, 2018

fulfillment is neat. it fills you up, inside, and out. your skin glows, you say hi more often, and sometimes the sun shines brighter than average. not, sometimes, but more so all the time. even on rainy days, you can see the sun. its hidden, but you know it’s there, and you smile and the sun reflects light off of those pearly whites. you ever have a sudden jolt of energy, not like coffee, or stimulant, but just because you’re happy? that’s it. at times, I’ll make the most out of my happiness because I know it’s short-lived. so i’ll drive around, ride a bike, do push ups, tell people they’re beautiful, and make sure they know i love them. when it goes away,…

last time you said stop

Posted on August 17, 2018

sigh i don’t get it. they tell me to write happy things. the thing is you don’t feel the need to discuss your happiness on paper when you’re happy. you just embrace the moment and live it. i don’t want to talk about that. momentary silence. dusk lit bedroom apartment buzzing of cars from traffic afar, it’s when i stare into myself. melancholy loves company and misery loves to fuck with me, it’s pitiful she sticks her head in while I’m telling a story the room keeps spinning. I’m terribly sorry today i apologize. i can’t be myself try again tomorrow, bring me some help and the day after that. don’t fade into black amy said it best, when she said she’s treading a…

figure me out.

Posted on August 13, 2018

it’s beginning to show it’s intertwining dividends between time invested with growth. my intention provoked. lying listless and broke revisiting moments that to me, seem explicitly warped yosemite vulture. my melatonins dried up some sore throat, sore back, amphetamine humdrum ever growing size of my blood pump escaping out of my thorax 500-pound dry-flesh, green alien invasion the least entertaining eyesore of something alive need something to die for, an end to the means imagine going to sleep, with binary code in your dreams wake up to see, beating hearts in the sheets cupid dart in my daith, superstar on the stage taking a nosedive in oblivion, fiending fans in their seats 15:56 in corinthians. hold me, and scream a cobra in the grass,…

wallflower here

Posted on August 5, 2018

the perks of being a wallflower, or disadvantage in case. mr observant, half perfectionist, getting a taste of his own medicinal value, describe me to myself in a vacuum. tell me how many times i scratch my chin, touch my ribcage, leave you feeling incomplete. when you feel me getting nervous around you, so i can cross my arms defensively. straighten up my posture and.. and tell you you’re wrong. or break down and cry. i’m.. difficult. an impressionist, copies people to the point where its comedic. I wouldn’t say I’m an impressionist. it’s not funny deflecting points of interest because im upset with how my intelligence handles situations. and ive rattled enough cages to know, the focus of peoples pain comes from the…

soul, baby. soul (i wrote this almost prophetically, before a falling out that I wanted to prevent from happening)

Posted on July 22, 2018

it’s almost complete. distance between falling apart from whispering secrets, sequence you act non chalant like, a purist in person. told you to stop kissing my heart questioned why, choking back tears. au revoir so insincere. brassiere draped over post traumatical scar and it’s worthless. holding hands under jupiter mars deafening stare. kaleidoscopic. where we grew afar or begun growing. to knowing it was doomed to begin with congruent in interests. confusing indifference with sultry disclosure. whispering secrets. a bottle of stol’ acting as if you didn’t already know marlboro rogue. leads in my chest. heart in my throat it’s okay because, a month is barely a whisper speaking sweet nothings with nobody to listen I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. evolving…

so little, little (a look into repetitive behavior, derailing depression, predestination syndrome, losing faith)

Posted on July 14, 2018

why am i here again why does it matter? handle with care. these items are fragile wear a mask and lie to your closest, Keyser Söze display let’s erode together, hold my rusty hand in the rain tin man toppling, iron giant in grave hear the fucking rain pound it’s way on my armor using my metal like drum sets you pawn at a shop discontinued discounted item left on the shelves try-me! buttons as the battery fades buzz light year rotary wind up doll, lullaby weak sober man thinks drunken thoughts, just as he speaks choking on my own blood, cause apathy, me galloping scene, horseback, valiancy it may not matter to you, but it matters to me the dialogue of my backdrop.…

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