Empyrean cosmos. This feeling I swallow; it’s real. It’s hollow, but there. I know it. It’s growing, a hole full of sorrow, it’s weird. Some sort of eery control. It’s sculpted out a grave in my heart, it’s six feet into my soul. Clay soldier statue that’s woven and wound up by fear. Wounded by perceptions and ousted by fear. I’m used to it, ruthless, I’m near it, I smell, it; I hear. And movements that veer into me, is getting boosted. It’s like every little thing is in motion for me. Emotionally, my blood pumps. it’s mundane humdrum. I’m so used to panic attacks when it happens, I’ve practiced drowning myself to get better at ‘em. Crusted bark falling off the sharp edges of trees. Hearts with initials were pleas for adjustments in romance. CG + your initials here. Or Your initials here, + CG, because ladies go first. It’s old. And when the heart breaks in half, my part of the heart looks like a parenthesis ). It’s funny, because you said I always kept everything a secret, like a sidenote, like parenthesis. I get it, see. I’m holding the keys that unlocks the deepest, boldest embarking trips to the depths of my soul. I don’t even know if it fits, homesick, if home is where the heart is, i don’t even know if my home fucking exists. Went for a doctor check-up and hugged him when he said I had 65 beats per minute. “really?!” I said, with a smug grin on my face. That’s 65 reasons a minute why I hated myself. Verbal vortex ripped in coercion. I’ve lived a minute for 23 years and, I’ve tasted helplessness in 65 different version. I’ve envisioned never being hurt and it’s never visioned. Feeling defeated every second, I sarcastically think ‘is that why its called beats per minute?????’. Overly saturated covert emasculation. Social emancipation, i’m vocally allocated. Totally placid. Manipulative dickhead. Owner of phallus castle, got my troops and took over ovary palace. Sensory sonar. Very elective, and deceptive. It’s no arms combat. I’ve learned to defeat you physically by waving a pistol made with the way my lips sway and turn words into bullets. It’s only defense. I’m the least offensive person alive. I’d totally offend you though. don’t hurt me, I’m ready to let you go. Let us go. In an emotionless scene, and ocean or sea, of developing flowing disease. I could kiss the wrists you executioned me with. Puckering kiss cracks like the whip that antagonized our failure. I apologize for action, that me, myself and I don’t acknowledge in real. I’m molded. Grown old and outsourced. It’s like the mold in a spore. Can barely afford to pay attention to myself, how would I know I was there for you.
hello crickets. im sad. (the wonderful thing about crickets is they’ll keep chirping if you’re talking to them)The world is at a crossroads. It’s silent and heavy. The cultures the clashes. The cancer, the caving. The careers and consultations my mentors suggest. I look at beautiful woman and I want to tell them they’re beautiful. To smile. I look at men I have some interests with and I want to tell them “hey man, that’s cool.” the comment alone is enough for me as a interaction. sometimes It’s lonely. sometimes you want them to be interested in what you have to say. Sometimes you want a meaningful conversation. sometimes I don’t want to fantasize about sexual trysts. I just want to roll around in some grass and wiggle my toes and I want someone just opposite of me wiggling their toes in the dirt too,- and we notice each other doin it and we keep on wiggling our toes. I want to share that connection with someone else. I want someone to think the same exact thing as me for 5 minutes straight at least, and it’s unfortunate sex is probably the only time that’ll hold a true sentiment. but maybe not. at 2am I become myself. it’s for two things, nobody is up, it’s quiet and it’s dark. so you can be yourself, think and the darkness compels you to stay inside. preferably in a room alone. The leaves are slowyyy beginning to fall. I hear crunching in the grass more often when I walk everyday. the breeze has a scent to it. the sun hits you as if to say “prepare my child, I won’t embrace you like this for awhile” you’re on your own. Kids are back to school and yellow is a common theme. this summer was a thunderbolt and my life changes like the sea in a hurricane. It’s almost 2015 and I’ve barely known you 2014. I’m tired of trying to please people by lowering my standards. why do people leave me? Sometimes I feel if I’m nice to a girl she’ll think I want sexy or a relationship. And I’m categorized into this placer with a bunch of other men. I don’t feel like a man when I’m categorized, I feel like a dinger. I sigh when one of my questions turn into avoidance. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to confuse you. or if they think I’m suitable they’ll invite me further to chat. I just want a friend. sometimes I feel too smart and other days too dumb. sadness knocks on my door and says just this one time. I kiss you and think, “just.this.one.time” I lunge at the thought of having a friend. selfish to the fact I knew its hurt you more than me. loneliness makes you desperate. but it’s okay, alcohol and coffee make you new my dear. Sinatra on the record player just isn’t enough these days. his voice doesn’t make me smile enough these days. the glass stains with wine become a more repetitive thing. And I just can’t seem to put things together. God is looking more like a scapegoat. What about the times he let me down? Was he testing me then? this is the single most longest test and he’s the single most patient proctor. I’m starting to think the test doesn’t exist. actually I know it doesn’t. it’s 2am