nice’s guys finish last

I’m stronger than you. Or, I thought I was. Maybe I am. Don’t fucking touch me. Make up your mind. Tell me you love me. Fuck me like you mean it. Mean it when you fuck me, love me when you tell me, you love me. Tell me a secret. Show me your ghosts. I’ll show you my demons. Baby, you should go. Maybe we only got along cause our monsters played nice. How to atone? I’m so over, being alone. But, I rather be alone, than prone to abandonment and holding, on to consolement that’ll never be known. Fuck what your sentiments wrote – they lied to me and let it be shown. A lantern is only a guide if the lights lit, and you have your sights set on looking for home. Hope you sow what you reap, motherfucker, my eyes on you. You’ll be holding up hollow fruit with no seeds in between. you asked me to keep my poetic words away from hurting your soul. I aint keen on breaking promises, but, no. Hold on a minute, hold on a hour, hold onto my throat. my broken heart is telling me you told him you won’t.

Fuck it, I’m definitely stronger than you. If I did half the shit you did, you wouldn’t be breathing.

I could fucking feel it. MY heart beating beats it probably shouldn’t. Cry kissing you while my eyes blur up the honesty. Moments freezing. Cryogenic holding cell, to serve as reconnaissance. Mild dilemma. Miles of enemies. My field of daisies wakes up to your bombing them. Rot in your holding cell. Holding your rotting cells. Selfish, cold, hell, I hope that you’re happy. Well, I’m happy you’re hoping. We look at the present like it’s not as good as the past, try to absolve ourselves from the what future brings us. Cumulonimbus. Futuristic. Who are you kissing? It’s me. Look at your constellation tattoo and connect the dots. I am that shining star.  You ever look at it? It’s the letter Y. The same letter to the question I ask. Phases un-phased. Finding myself in the middle of nowhere. Then, I’m finding myself. In the middle of nowhere. I don’t know what I am, but.. I do know what you aren’t. Humans are complex. We’re showing emotions of what we don’t currently feel, and hide the ones that we do feel. I’m a crab in my shell when I’m screaming to let me the fuck out of my own skin. Someone once said it is impossible to be selfish and happy – and that’s terribly true. I just hope you stop being selfish.

Telling yourself you’re a free soul, unbound to any chains. But my love, you’re holding your own chains. You aren’t free. Just running away. There’s no underground railroads for people running away from the truth. There’s only one way to unlock the chains. Your lips, need to not tell lies. Now tell me with your eyes how you’ll make that happen.

slowly

she whispers

in a drunken moan. she’s slowly falling in love
ask her how slowly? we’re slowly making art when we fuck
making sure she comprehends. a lion covered in cuts
licking wounds. vicissitude. saliva and blood
we’re controlled experiments. and you’re variable A
variable b, mumbles to himself. paranoia pirated brain
dancing in her solitude, self awareness immense
telling women it’s ok to aim that gun to my head
what’s wrong with you? she asks. where do i start
the mountain that’s eroding or my castle of rocks
where debris of glass houses lay in demise
I’m praying to god. don’t even know if god cares that i die
barely a heart. just a human vessel, imitating a life
my advice to any friend is don’t end up like me
what do you mean?
deflecting momentary practices to forget I’m diseased
why do i feel so strongly? it isn’t normal to me
sometimes; i need… just a moment to breathe
do they call it paranoia if i want you leave?
she whispers; how will i find you in this wintery prose?
i bleed slowly. follow the trail in the vermillion snow

maple tree

what do you think of this super sensitive sentience

drizzling fire, pyramid shaped flame over credulous credence

like a momentary silence, aluminum pin drop echo in a empty room

padded wall. effervescent, magical

i could feel your feminine voice telegraph vibrations through separate veins

like subway networks carved throughout my muscles where you tap harbored lust into my mainframe. electrical current possessed by your ouiji board hormones, commanding nerve endings to rise like a judge entering a room, puppeteer to this compulsory feeling, tugging fleshy strings connected to this insatiable thirst. like water to river, drought cleansing downpour. outsourced. i could hear your soul singing. smell you smiling cheek to cheek, wide veneer cheshire; feel my eyes laser through your bed side. backside sex talk. you know what you do to me when you walk away. warmly outlining your opiate curves, overdosing on those angles. equatorial melee. sedative quality, lulling me into trance, withdrawal shivers as perfectly jeweled spheres refract light into me. kaleidoscopic slight hypnosis. hypnotic dosage, 400mg oxytocin showering the flesh of your lips. where i trace over patterns left by previous lovers, like a field i discovered. reading diaries on how they failed to conquer you. chapters left blank, with nothing but a pencil and time. hand drawing rainbows with watercolor paintings on the arc of your back, with melted oil enzymes, and a tongue ready to taste the sweat that falls delicately. like a summer trees leaves in the depths of november. or syrup filling in the minute cracks of bark on a mellow maple sitting in melancholy on the hilly banks. slow, fragile crystallizing water, filled with budding pheromones, bubbling over a sea of red and rosy, blanketed passion. enshrouding with fervor, where you inherit Michelangeloesque signatures on your hand crafted marble cheekbones and full figured, bloodshot, pouty lips. dark hair mirroring oblivion, marking the end of my curiosity. and this unruly temptation. you soul treks along spacetime, unknowingly engulfing innocent, wandering black holes and coffee stained eyeballs (mine). every color drawn in every conceivable wavelength swallowed by the permeating darkness of uncertainty and attraction swirling back into this moment. where present meets passion, and my calloused hands meet your neck

when hercules jumped into river styx

KILL OR BE BROKEN. KILL OR BE ME
killed in combat over and over
killing disease
killed in disguise
killed when i sleep
killed in my dreams, killed cause I’m weak
attracting spiritually broken, they see healer in me
chill in my bones. killing me slowly, kiss me. it’s frozen
feeling the breeze. or is that you behind, huffing on these
maroon eye, jeweled demon, ruby iris. drool dripping
do or die
wolve wedding.

sheep ring bearers, unsheared sheep pastor
wool clothing. the warmth of our corrivalry helps me fall asleep faster
hyper empath, i hear your heartbeat miles away
hear it, before i fall asleep. hear it when I’m on a date
why does it all of a sudden, beat faster?
is it a scary movie?
reading a letter from me you’re ignoring?
are you late to work? or have you met someone new..
sometimes,
i like looking at you when you aren’t looking at me
it’s relaxing to know, you aren’t thinking about how my eyes engulf you
i’ve lost the illusion of things i thought irreplaceable
only to acquire ones that i thought hoping for once made me delusional
losing you, learning to realize reasons why I’m the way i am
like my obsession for control, like a sextant in my throat
i couldn’t control falling in love. and there you go
want to know a secret into tricking yourself?
think of a moment when you’re warm, cradled.
drinking an aromatic, or brushing the warm fibers of your bed
now, this is where you think of someone.
you can trick yourself into thinking they’re there with you
back muscles tense up.
i keep forgetting to forget about you
can’t remember to remember you’re not here
i’ll try harder when
I’m drunk
and you’re drunk
and we can
find each other in that inebriation
and hopefully
talk about
it
and what shouldn’t have happened

what the fuck do i do

the moon the moon
the moon the sun
the sun the moon
press mute
succumb
doomed doomed doomed
I’m doomed. we’re done
who who who
are you
who are us? collusion
contusions.
you’re a cup of hot chocolate
on the fiercest winter morning
feel the blisters forming
whistle through the windows
pixelating percentage
whistling. cold air
whistling dixie
through the windows
it’s snowing.
frost on the glass
particle splat
icicles look like christmas ornaments
your silence
makes me question myself
i was too human
too human. too human
too godamn human.
too.
human.
(everywhere i put a period, is a moment in the story where i teared up and cried)
.
..
.
i fucking, maybe i should’ve danced.
that one time
that one time(.)
maybe that would’ve changed something
that one time that
one time
hot chocolate woman cup
god damnit. open up
do i remain robotic?
or do i remain human!
robot. beep booop
robust. beep boop
my safe full of cold guns
beep boop.
.
.
what do i do with you?

fire breather

I’m a fucking fire breather.
Breathing fire. Eating dragons, for breakfast
who wants some? None of you do
I’ve held back for quite some time
exerting no strength
Ball of fire. Giving the sun spots
ink blots and think thoughts
disregard your discourse
munching on mantras, making mistakes

barely

i learn from them
wake up from nightmares hardly impressed
more creative next time, brain
laughable sequence, you could never understand
i ain’t lazy
just smart
you work hard i work smarter
catch a sneeze in the air
yelling from the sidelines
telling mayweather his footwork is scarce
looking at my mile times like godamn how old is too old to compete in the olympics?
facebook shows me gold medal ads the next day
your ads probably have bronze medal ads.
investing in bronze exports. making a killing
thanks for losing to me. still winning
dumb down my vocabulary to be able to talk
seto masochistic flair pops up when lactic acid settles in
i will say though, my only weakness is knowing when to try

do
i do it or not

do i love you or not? it’s the only time
where I’m clueless. i love it.
I’m scared of these dungeons i’ve never visited before
i barely gave you a chance
only because I’m terrified of defeat
but i’m oddly attracted to how you make me listen to you
not by force
by this weird thing called
love, perhaps
it’s the only thing i can’t decipher
so i try to break it down

molecule by atom
acid and protein
muscles and madness
deconstructing everything into dust
but i didn’t need too
never did
I’m only figuring that now
masqueraded dominance with self love
self deprecating jokes were my crux
like, you came out of nowhere

right there

but nowhere
RIGHT THERE. but nowhere
solving puzzles in seconds
nice one on the wall.
visit art galleries just to figure them out
i know where you thought your last thought, picasso
no escaping my big brain
but you, oh you
i can’t figure anything out. and it’s

RIGHT THERE.

where? right there
she’s right here, cristian
where? there.
my heart?
maybe. but right there. whisper
right there
tinier text. right

there

i remember once i was in mexico
strutting the city streets. and my game was
to memorize everybody’s face for 5 minutes.
needless to say i did that, and i saw them later
walking.
they didn’t know who i was
it was the hardest i ever pushed my brain
i slept for half a day. then went hiking
it wasn’t a pointless story.
those faces
we’re right there. the whole time
as were you.
not you physically. but. you.
you know?

right there

mad scientist

you mix gunpowder and moments, of silence
and gather components you’d author with smiles
combustible crossover.
gifting a locket, heart shaped alloy, wish upon a asteroid comet
it’ll turn to debris before it reaches to me
countdown from three, wishing a frown obsolete
douse gasoline, that set blaze to decree
miscellaneous mundane, missiletoe mainframe
hypnotize what lingers in me, complex emotions
compartmentalizing alone
left alone in your apartment
high-rise affectionate tease
was used to darkness from sun rise- till sun shivers
and then i’d only see it when you’d
stand in front of me, shut eyes with your fingers
pressed mute with your kisses, tell the moon to revisit
at a later date
neck, shoulder, premeditation
escape  
from your inner desire, and overture taste
melanin eye, brown sepia. tell me my lies.
skeleton sky. clouds breaking off into these lines
where sound waves-get soft, & decibles dice
where consensual lust, rears it’s head in and tithes
gives a percentage of care, pretend to be bare
you only said what you said to dissect what was rare
those are your words. foreword. fast forward, ball of mass in a chokehold, ozone layer of old words layered, strapped over my torso, I’m so… so angered. hormones anchored to you, apropos the flavor. addicted to it. postpone my conflicted prayers. I’m such a sicko. i hate it. like a mad scientist wanting to create frankenstein but can’t,  I’m mal aligned. attack of the titans, a clash of indecisive i cants. i can’t, not decipher the feelings, let me rot and writhe. holding a wallet picture of us in my pocket insides. wanting to gift it. arduous. physics. trying to stop what I’m thinking.

but can’t

hellhound pt2

heartbreaking
shattering
crushing
blasphemous, bludgeoning, over saturated
don’t be surprised if we can’t be separated
science needs a new invention

to mend hearts
or a swab test for tears
where a story is written by the chemicals in them
and the chemicals in them
are only ones that i can create
with my signature on them
my blood, and my distinction
nobody else
well, that is interesting.
cristian

doesn’t want it to end like this
the story is written by an author who has no
business writing it
don’t be surprised if one night
we’re looking at each other
eye to eye
holding each other, close
so close
so close, i can feel you brush
your passionate breaths
against my lungs
that fill with air, and move your head

i feel you slipping away.
and by now, the category 5 hurricane
by all and any expert
is said to have definitely slowed down
the eye has shrunken
our eyes have. shrunk
it isn’t a category 5 anymore
and it won’t ever be a category 5
and sometimes, looking at the weather
i believe it will slow down
i don’t want it too
the chaos of it all is intriguing
inviting. warming
sometimes, though
other times, i don’t believe it at all
other days it’s category 6, maybe 7
8, or 9. category 20.
and i feel this storm going up
in numbers,
up and up. it’s the size of the
entire planet now
I’m the only weather reporter
that believes this
i have hope in my math
don’t believe in machines
i want to categorize 20 different
parts of you
that i fell in love with
category 1,2 3
4
5
i love you
your love is a hurricane, it comes and goes
in september it came and went
it went
6, your honesty is like
a powerful gust of wind
that rips trees from its roots
that blows stop signs from their post
rips roofs off house tops
14 i love how much we loved each other
it’s like, i thought it was real
maybe it was
maybe it isn’t
i have so much to give you
wanted to give, at least
still, do. i don’t know
21 please don’t do this
i don’t want to feel like an acting lesson
don’t
if i could
id bring a version of you back from a time machine
so i could talk to them about the future-you
maybe i could
understand better
feel better
i regret
anything i did that brought me here
did i
say to little
say too much
love too hard
love too soft
was it me crying
was it my silence at 5am
i didn’t mean to
I’m
I’m
going. well, i was
i was going through some things
these things now are different things though
hurricane artois
they say don’t chase what you can’t catch
I caught feelings
you caught my heart
don’t be surprised
if you can’t find something like this
nobody can do what i do, like me
not even close
you can’t extinguish flames with a whisper
don’t be surprised
don’t be surprised when i don’t stop

If you jump, I jump
over frontiers written in bold text saying “invade me”
with invisible feeling
into this bewitching allure of where my heart is kept in your cage
back stroking through the perfect sound waves where each word spoken fits in my ear, words where you made me imagine us together with wrinkles
I was so fucking drunk when we were together
my submarine descends into our own fucking galaxy

(I’m STILL HERE!!!!!!)

of silk and honey being hand woven by broken hands (20th time) into this fucking perfect perfection we perfected
I was so hypnotized
was that an eclipse or did the moon kiss the sun and did the sun close her eyes while he did?
I was captured by your solar flare
tunnel vision, tunnel feeling the moon and sun
deathly slow, slow dance to the spanish passacaglia raising goosebumps on your arms
We jumped to the moon
the moon jumped to the sun
the sun burned

hellhound

naivety

i guess this is a letter to young me, and as old me having dominion over young me, and the fortune of being older and equipped with technology and the dream of possibly time traveling by watching too much sci-fi, or something- and possibly giving you this letter.

dear little boy,

this is older you. and if you don’t believe me, read this letter and I’m sorry for telling people you thought you could handle the worlds pain, silly goober. but here it is: (sorry if you don’t understand a word or two, but by now you’re probably reading dictionaries, soooo not so sorry)

here i (we) am (are) again.
i was naive when i was a boy.
i (we) still am (are)! but… not quite as adorably
with good intentions
but i have a story
my family used to tell me about the bad things happening around the world
how people suffer when they die
when they’re hungry
when they’re raided from their homes
how i should be grateful
i had food. and a house.
i was okay. i would run and be happy!
i used to feel so empathetic
energetic. endless energy.
truly a kind soul that wanted good things for everyone
as a boy i thought i was superman
i’d tell myself,
“god, can you let everyone’s pain in the world just affect this one little portion of my body? for ten seconds! i can handle that i promise! don’t listen to my mom! i’m strong! she’s just trying to protect me. i don’t want people to feel pain. isn’t that good?”
of course it never happened.
little did, little me know, that, the wish i made that day
wasn’t a smart one
sometimes i feel it came true, but as an adult.
as if god is too busy taking orders from wishes and prayers, and he finally got to me when i was
20 something.
god didn’t ask me if i still wanted it, despite being two decades old.
god just gave it to me. expedited delivery.
it just hit me.
or maybe it didn’t.
maybe this is just the pain and suffering my family told me about
maybe it’s normal, maybe
as a child you need to be hugged and loved
so so so so hard that the love has this everlasting effect that sort of negates the pain you eventually feel
i wish there was a way you could measure how strong you are
nobody gives a shit, though.
how mentally strong you are.
you can measure your physical strength.
but what about your mental strength?
i want to get stronger, still
every time i conquer the unconquerable
i feel a sense of happiness. relief. strength
but i can’t help but wonder… if the same person a year ago would crumble under that pressure?
what if the person i am now can’t handle something in two years or two months from now?
i know it’s dumb to think of the future like that
but i just want to be prepared
i want to be able to continue to feel
how a little boy version of me did, at one time
sometimes, glimmers of that boy shine through
the man i am today
but it’s short lived
how do i sustain such confidence?
how and what can i learn from a boy?
a lot actually
that boy is this man.
that boy dreamed of a man like me
to help him be the man like me
but he didn’t want the mind numbing obstacles
he wanted to not cry through it all
that boy used to count the days he didn’t cry
one month i haven’t cried
65 days, wow.
day 276 i haven’t cried
day 290
almost a year
i never made it a year.
but as i got older, my cry calendar fell beneath
my credit card mail, my tax returns
and love letters by many women
and well, i marked x’s on a lot of days
as i got older
got discouraged
so i threw it out
i wish i could tell that boy, that his cry calendar
was something he didn’t need
and what he did need was someone to cry on
a shoulder, so to say
I’m sorry for the shoulders i inadvertently cried on
the ones that approached me because they saw a sweet boy
and not someone who used you as a pillow to cry on
i didn’t mean to, i just couldn’t hold it in
i do apologize
but I’m starting to cry less now
think less now
i don’t ask god anymore for my old wish
rather i ask for strength
to help myself, first. so i can help others
there’s a reason airlines want you to put your oxygen mask on first
cause if everybody was helping each other it’d be a fucking mess
or if one little boy tried to help everyone at once
then everyone would asphyxiate
help yourself first
then you can have your wish
strong, little boy. kudos for never wincing or grimacing at anything, from your first shots, to playing bloody knuckles to breaking bones, hands, and the grueling, over the top body routine, you did in your teenage years.
you are strong. no doubt about it.
but love yourself first, little man. I’m sure 37 year old me will tell me this, too. even if I’m too believe by everyone that, i do indeed know it all. (that was sort of a joke)
if you can love a little more. fucking do it.
i cant wait

love, 27 year old leonardo.

i love you

(ps hug your family and friends more often. don’t half ass it)

prius

i

recognize this abandonment pattern. neglect and avoid
pushed to the side, suffocate & deprive
overwrought. rush to get over the noise
stiff arm tactical markup. 1 and death on the goal
practically harmless. red zone ballad demarcation
change is in constance, conscientious tailored departure
mademoiselle, i’ve heard you tell me this often
understandable. hatchet & nail in the coffin
they could hear us screaming when we’re barely talking
ripple effect. tsunami wave/ dimples and neck
telling me to hush because someone just called
delicate. soft. let this be a lesson resolved
inconclusive as it is abusive and sordid
usual motive. behaviorist sadist assortment
white dress. biting my lip til the flavor is gone
entanglement. arthritic, you say. wait till you call
some call it analytics some call it to wait, for the fall
wallowing towards the barking up the

karmic relationship. darkness derailing

flagging down the shipwreck. lighthouse is hazy
maybe- I’m faithful. shit. i ain’t as smart as you make me
maybe my prides hopeful. handing out dead or alive posters
street peasant, preaching dreams, nobody dropping a nickel
pinning phone book back-pages, milk carton picture depressant
mighty magnificent. silence, i solemnly covet

my spaceship running on smog
started to build bridges, only to drop it and run
the troll under it was just a consequence of it

follow me, darling. don’t follow me. fuck it.
state of affairs, shoulder kiss, blissful disdain
i made sure i heard you cry
wasn’t sure you could rain
wish i could rewind my lips. then make amendments
it is what it is. it is what it isn’t
regurgitating versions of self we hardly know
wrap ourselves in layers of hardship and clones
despondency boasts. free jazz concert take my attention
for an hour before i soar off into retention
of body and soul.
who do you talk to when the person you talk to is gone
2 month rental.
the insurance is paying for it
run it to the ground
who cares? it’s a prius
it doesn’t belong to us
and the gas is free
i’ve always wanted one of these
just to see what the buzz is about
someone said it’s been used before
can i just pretend it’s new?
put your foot on the gas and you’re out
i don’t have to pay a dime
i wonder if they’ll even care if i crash it
let’s not drop it off.
they can come and get it
insurance is paying for it
remember?
after all, it is a prius

you knew

it’s bittersweet. grapefruit sauvignon. rose stained cherry motif
nightmare on wax on repeat. please beware of the beast
swiping left. recurring sentiment, pattern repeat
didn’t fall in love with your pictures. fell in love indiscreetly
deciphering flaws, explicating subtle jungian traits
brains defensive mechanism. delegating safety restraints
decoding reflexive emotive. premeditative distaste
automatic, chemical composition innate
features built to delay or forego any possible symptom
of a broken heart, hemoglobin battle wound syndrome
saline suture. calculating how different you are
4am trip to neverland, not a trip to the bar?
borderline blasphemy. there’s times you cry over art
shit you gotta do alone, shit others could never remark
distinguish aquatic serene, underwater nautical scene
scraping off necrotic flesh your hands singed off my being
i wasn’t weird, i was rare. pseudo nominal dream
all circles around compatibility, malleable personage boost
8oz serving with juice. lime chaser and incertitude
enucleated review, i wonder if those winks were signaling doom
i don’t know everything, some swear that i do
to my prophetic odes of text i promptly construed
maybe it’s curse. mineralize moments of malice
materializing minute by minute, hours go vanished
learning to apologize to my fists when dripping in red
how dare me use them for writing and use them for sin
learning to love myself even though i hate when i fall
staring at bloody gauze when i get up from it all
found safe haven disguised in the words that he spews
who knew all you had to do was wipe his tears from his view
who knew all you had to do
was wipe tears from his view
who knew it had to be you
who knew i stop writing when it hurts
who knew you had to wipe tears
who knew tears didn’t hurt when you touched them
who knew i had to stop writing
right
here