cristian's wordpad & lingering thoughts

dose of Cristianism & other absurdities.

to miss P

Posted on February 26, 2017

it was a matter of why. statuesque beauty over vodka and wine
hourglass figurine. when you come around it becomes tough to tell time
seductress stolichnaya. brunette, bridal, bohemian
it’s cruel how without even trying you leave me
in a state of dreams where I’m hardly breathing
at the Gala. a seamstress couldn’t replicate your body shape
you look awfully familiar….it’s been awhile since i’ve been in this hypnotic state.
eyes are pools of island bays, emphasized by shine of geysers
a vivifying type of way, to kiss your lips would feel like fire
to put them out, i’d have meet your jewels of diamonds
only a fool could deny, this muse that emphasizes grace
electrifying distress.Prostovian princess with a crystallizing gaze
accent so alluring, the way you pronounce your words overarched
id feel your tongue twist cherry stems in my heart

delicate skin: negative print 

Posted on February 25, 2017

who’s barely  

intact. two hundred thousand nails puncture veins in my back
whether not they’re human or metal remains to be asked 
yellowpages. your name severs sapience. saps
like heavens angels. vessels fray then collapse
lord father, elevate us. why’m i so fixated on the past
separate fact from fiction. eradicate my relapse
rehabilitation at its fanciest. pinky out to brush ash from cigar 
if love lasts then it’s farce. my last love seems so far
may i have the pleasure of introduction without it seeming covert
or open my mouth to talk something while we’re eating dessert
feelings deserted you, conservative dealings in cursive 
from the telekinesis to hypnosis, i barely feel what your words meant 
sink your teeth delicately into the flesh that’s corroding
if you feel that it’s urgent…please feel free to unload
it’s not you, or me, my dear. the psychosis
developments fleeting. camera obscura bleeding negative print
the lightest exposure came from your chest 
was it a dark heart or  
delicate skin
delicate skin 

AA4564

Posted on December 16, 2016

i feel 

so disconnected. pictures of stars are trillions of seconds old
heliocentric. we spend our time wishing we could revisit a setting
i could see it in decimals. each dot a pause in a sentence
hold my hand, avalanche. bring me the check when you’re finished
mezzanine at the theater, velvet seamstress, madam Gutierrez
que romántico eres. carve my heart, au revoir mi mujer
i spend the evening in tears, like its common procedure
every droplet is a sonnet, every water stream a cathedral 
where people gather, or they scatter, whether it be former or latter
and they pray to their jesus, and i pray cause i have to
there’s order in madness, rhetorical hope in the sadness
like a volcano that’s dormant or a star going dwarf 
just part of it all, endorphin hull, heart to starboard 
when we talk, disembark. your lips presses mute
mrs vixen, so dissolute, pixel perfect, lipstick in blue
vigil for a virgin, vicissitude, picture me as i picture you
don’t listen when you talk, kiss your ears when you moan 
so petite, heavenly, pour the shot-glass, and reload 
monkey see, monkeys cheek perfect on your ocular bone 
cause to me, you’re as sweet, as strawberry dose
through the darkness, on horses. cobweb corrosion 
cut through the bark with my sword. I’m sorry my forest
double entendre. knot in my throat.

not even sober
harlequin clone.

dark knight imposter, I’m already joker 
early onset alzheimer’s,

forget what you told me
along the lines, were ostracized, but we’re all really lonely 
wave down a taxi, drop me off on the corner. call me when you’re home
wait for me at the door, don’t leave me alone 
lay down – the house spins. false belief, methadone.
marmalade, cherry tree, cigar leaf, telephone 
qu’est-ce que c’est¿

fasten seatbelt while seated, mi amor 
stand to applause, an encore, such a valid response
you’d barely feel it 
you moved on, so very far. 
i checked my bags at the door. viewed the empty decorum
sit at the bar. recount the experience
watch the only bag revolve round’ the oval
let me fall. so very scared

we should want what we fear. 

thanks 

i get along without you

Posted on November 15, 2016

it was only
a second. it felt more armageddon, a source of dependence
my very core was augmented. no force, just indebted to pain
embedded; the flow descending in waves
chakra, like flames, no position, no direction. unphased.
see, most of what i felt was descriptions. captions in italics
handpicked basket of malice. last resort love-lust. i decide first
hard to describe a picture with nine hundred ninety nine words
inarguable. we didn’t argue, just cut you off to yell in your face
you could feel the dismay. built up incendiary droplets of sage
rose petals kissed the spots on your face, dynamite dulcet decay.
vitalize vital signs, ultra displacement.
i memorized your voice so estranged
umbra vibrations. ultraviolet rays touched the recliner in gray
i went on for an hour. armchair therapy. you sat in your bed
tears rolling down my cheek, as i let you know it wasn’t okay
how i felt, how unlucky i was.
how stars realigned themselves on that day
perfect memory tenses. serial lover. in bed with the zodiac killer
i murdered your obsession with star gazing once my sign became unfamiliar
i get along without you perfectly, darling
i’ve forgotten you, just like i should have, regardless. 
hear your laughs in whispers of wind, details i thought i’ve forgotten
any scintilla, bit into the apple that brings you into my garden
songs that played in the background of trysts we partook in
are nothing, just tunes that became aloof and out of tune 
a fool for thinking, autumn would sing to me during decembers departure
devilish palm touch, crackling firewood in rhythm with heartbeats
dwindling darkness, you’d hear the goosebumps raise if you listen in softly
killing me. hardly.
I get along without you, perfectly darling
of course I do
except perhaps in autumn, but I should
never think of autumn
for that would shatter my heart in two

chemical beachhhh

Posted on September 16, 2016

it’ll be over soon (im so weak)

i dont know what to say. that’s all ive been saying of late.
blurry backdrop, urban aperture frame.
thorough blacktop, burrow the hallowing pain
delicate language left footprints on chemical beach.
.. ive still got sand in my car
talked on a blanket in vitamin forest with blanketed speech
soapbox. being in a straitjacket has just helped me escape.
it’s not that im crazy, i just dont know who else is insane.
caffeinated delays. adrenal obstruction, dilated pupil -people seduction
fetal position. let’s meet at a funeral. don’t keep in touch – its
fall asleep in the morning, methamphetamine when its dark
mention me when you talk. give yourself to me when you whisper
affectionate’s affecting me. affections kisses led to blisters
perception means perceptive thinkers. you want to go but people never let you
fatigue. synthesizers audible blast. stereo headphone milieu
sweet nothings – mean nothing, you took your coffee black
capricorn your zodiac, maelstrom the storm in a bottle cap
i gave you space, you gave me freedom
if that were our slogan we could put a flag on the moon
poisonous daydreams, falling asleep with you when im wide awake
cyanide capsule is like biting a bullet
how do i life live to the fullest. backstroke the tidal wave
chemical beach

9/04/2016 – 1:32 A.M – You.are.here.

Posted on September 4, 2016

I’m sorry

there’s a reason I’m like this. lapidary diamond destruction
cut out your aortic value. set aside the eruption
volcanic assembly. in the midst of a powerless strain
it isn’t malaise. the road less travelled is travelled the same
mapped out distinction. we only talk when there’s nothing to say
you are here. we are there. it hurts, but okay
perforated perfection, razorbladed ventricle phase
take an exit. no, take a breath. pulmonary affection display
but we don’t breathe anymore.
tensions rising, adrenal gland, sinus secretion
no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief
stethoscope camaraderie. departure is now tearful at best
decode the morse of your heartbeat with an ear to your chest
but it doesn’t matter anymore
you ruined my interpretation of love
she used to walk by the lake and avoid the watery tide
now when it rains I let you walk in puddles with stride
tablecloth linen. Chevrolet wagon window fingerprint stain
hers clouded the same area,l. Cinderella silhouette paint
we’ve been here before, I’ll say it again. I’ll say it forever
your silence let me know we weren’t together
delicate language, I kept you in Davy Jones locker
binary code sonder, bystanders looked at us argue
I don’t know. you were my first.
ethereal consumption, diluted diversion
I don’t know if it’s you or when you put me on mute. and there’s bourbon
you are here. no you aren’t. you’re just in my bloodstream
so when I run away from my past…
well you are here. disenfranchised. who’s gonna pay tribute
desenfenada. desperado. I hate to end it like this. to be continued

water.fawl.

Posted on August 31, 2016

I

don’t know how to be loved. what’s love in return
empty promise. time capsulette dug into earth
blind to the color of blood, its always dark when it drips
the black ink from my plume is evidence it exists
push me away
push me to grave
cedar oak coffin. 25 years been astray
tuxedo diaries. 6 foot hole doctrine, malaise 
I don’t want my heart
who wants what can’t be refunded
beauty and the beast heralded nothing
every evening at 7 I get visits from something
I can’t make out. it has a face that doesn’t resemble
I hate myself. here’s my heart on a pedestal
delicatessen. velvet crowbar. derelicts vessel 
I hate myself. delicate specimen
I hate myself, perilous. deadened 
dead end. there’s no where to go
dig at the tar road with fingernails 
dripping hemoglobin. that ship has sailed
Mars rover, seasons orbit. there’s a reason I mention space and sea
heaven and hell, good and bad, rage and peace.
I learned the other day, that water can’t exist in space, and ironic how both those fucking places is where I want to exist in.

 spaces. 

become objects of fear
the skeleton in my closet is draped in a most obvious veneer 
I escape ominous, but here is where I feel the safest 
with a fucking revolver to cheekbone. with the feeling of hollow in deep throat 
my tears are dripping
the tears are dripping
I feel
insipid
tears are dripping
tears are dripping
where’s the medic
white nursery cotton. my blights burgundy.
I prefer to be sought rather than be caught while I’m soughting
call out of work, and cough till my lungs out of these words
attracted to affliction.
in bed with paroxysm
you left me at the altar without my kiss 
wedding song to funeral home
how the fuck am I supposed to get through this 
tears are dripping
I hate myself 
victim of circumstances
what did I do to deserve this 
o father said it wasn’t his fault 
I’m just so angry that I’m unwanted
I could go to a battlefield with guns drawn and still be uncalled to come forth, now that’s unwanted
so I call myself an alien and everyone laughs
and no ones there to pick up my spaceship when it collapsed
they just point and they laugh
or turn away cause it helps
tears are dripping
he hates himself 

if you read this, it isnt too late, but i’m terribly sorry.

Posted on August 12, 2016

i’m here again, dabbling with spear tips. i’ve had it to here, with calloused frontiers. this is an embarrassing feeling. i’m proud to say i ain’t a coward derailing. just kidding. the power i flail gets devoured on daily. challenges showered, descaling. howitzer spinning towards the phalanx i’m fighting. towering titan. there’s a clever excitement, aint nothing better than being slightly- no, completely consumed. marooned on skull island, subdued in dull silence. bite off more than what i could chew, and the hand i bit is that best i could do. it’s a vicious cycle visited by demons daily. frolicking illegal alien. demonic seduction is a seasons phase. hypnotic, im in love. its appealing embrace. jackson pollock thesis space. alcoholic green beret. word placement is strategic in nature. it could besiege a nether beach you fell in love with from over there, or beseech an attempt to run in and overbear. doppelganger, wearing camouflage and pretending. to pass him off as attentive. pour a shot til i absolve and my head spins. i dont recognize the guys sabotaging my friendships. heres a molotov. don’t extinguish. the fire fogs up my memory. my dreams are like deathwishes, where extra terrestrial beings visit uninvited, their means of connecting sorta blighted. my unsightly cause & effect might get solved cus all guys in top hats are detectives. dial 9-1-1 my brains sizzled in fumes my friends think i’ve gone of the deep end. but i never got into the pool. my minds all vexed, spun the rorschash, mightve saw death. inkblots caught into the matrix. tylenol glitch. i crawl in the nightingfall ditch. have you read the book, where the sidewalk ends? a rampant monster breeding hate, men in armor flee my way. helicopters feel the wave of my massive chakra. beast unchained. king kong on the empire, but more apocalyptic, kudzu vine wrap around colossal bridges, and there i am, distraught but filled with, blots of anger, but calm submissive. even god delays his judgment when i’m deranged. assalamualaikum. padmasana sage. capsule cosmic features, magnum comet seething, savor. magnum opus, see my pain? damaged people bleed; behaviors like you’ve never seen. layed my castle on the weakest layer, and now my palace sinks between the vapors

broken walls

Posted on August 9, 2016

there’s lies that i tell, with no repercussion in sight
roll over for the fall out. mushroom smoke destruction tonight
blood on the vinyl, the stylus goes over it every time
i heard a whisper that others swear i made up in my mind
i mean, i’m sorry. i’m apologizing for apologies sake
anthology of poems, that i swore i never created
signature, me. my hand writing becomes sloppy by noon
hollow out the wine cabinet. 3 P.M oktober lagune
philosophy twist. take a trip with me to corpus callosum
where coordinates of your ghost consoles the subconscious
sort of robotic. you control my wiring with a jolt. electronic
my own pocohantas, brunette soul. roses from garden have blossomed
theres more than what meets the eye. morgue detailed in disguise
the force in which you assort to, distorts the ailing device
tobacco road, collages corroded by writings in code
chorus in falsetto, i need endorphins for one night in chicago
fireplace blisters. a crackle for every sip that i take
stolichnaya. punches rolled with the fist that i make
a soft season in texas. missletoes, sam adams, king cole for your taste
dismissive soul. for every broken heart, there’s a home i invade
and for every cold day, theres a lava-breathing demon. i lay
lion gazelle syndrome. in your bed, like a wolf in sheeps clothing.
love that you run from me. love that you bleed slowly
i could see you at the gazebo from the window that i deliberately sit at
i wish i knew, maybe tomorrow i’ll love you again
maybe it’s the summer air. maybe i hope that summer never ends
it’s culture and ethics.
vulture paradigm culled and then etched in

the permanent pull of forever
do you remember we kissed? the sole member of this ringing inaction
heard about your schrödinger attachment. the elixir is magic
pronounce your name for me. i want to say it in dead language
i want to say it how they said it before we even existed
out loud, and painfully. full of rage, in a sweating panic
seasons remiss, i want to breathe it into existence
velvet sage. i want to say it with your hand on my neck
great minds think alike, so thats why we both brandish contempt
showered with my clothes on, alone in the stall
emptied the heaven hill, and put a hole in the wall
called the dont do it lifeline and was put on hold for an hour
wrote a letter to my parents, and choked on the vowels
bit on my tongue til the blood diluted the taste of the bourbon
put a slit through my bandage. put a blade to my churches
said a prayer so nervous. layed still for eternity
the shower ran through 6am. i heard knocks on the door
answered with an imaginary gun that held me hostage. its more
than what i made it out to be. told them i fell and i slipped
told a joke and laughed it off. told her hell is a bitch
denim has a subtle smell when drenched in whiskey and slaughter
waded as anonymous caller. speakerphone the rain of the water
looked to the sky, dissolute, dissuaded, demise
cried, laughed and told the operator i had already died
asked me if i was alright. i know id be never the same
desolate rage. i wonder where my crucifix lays.
if they could talk, what would these broken walls say
you only remember me when i start to walk away
thanks

Nissan Sentra 2013 

Posted on June 17, 2016

.

adagio for strings. invite me to your quartet

violin unhinged. idling super star set

theres such a brazen touch, with the brush

of true dishonor. get lost in the wade of war. or rust in your suit of armor. lust for reclusion in the midst of battle. I heard you whisper to yourself before you held my hand. second guessing lust. fuck hell. heavens never fun. never melted suns. now I know I’ve never been in love. 
now you get affection you so desperately seek

instead of a sick pretending to get it from me 

the head of the center of fulfillment and need 

ready to pleasure you. everyone, please 

one at a time. 

I can only make you feel better, not fix your disease

your medicine cabinet. I’m not even fucking alive 

consummate mind. I’m as dead as our past 

good luck chuck. Romeo. Juliet, without the flask 

our naked fingers touched. creation of atom

lazily picked daises, so lackadaisically half strung 

Paris to Hades. in paradise we paraded 

palisades. elated. you never had nothing to say 

learn no lessons from this. no life functions contained 

just dark to darker days. all shadows are gray

just newer ways to create words for heartbreak 

it’s sad when you romanticize bad relationships 

to suck dry dried love tongue tied in the last remaining bits

to have a place to badger faith when it all dies 

when the walls break, sun shines are glimmers of hell

it never ends well, my soul is linked to carbon

the only thing in common was you both wanted to get rid of yourself 

CACTUS

Posted on May 16, 2016

I’m sorry. thank you. Hello and goodbye
watch it go, watch it stop. watch as I cry
au revoir. adios. remember me as I am
ill never be the same. reinvent me Madame
i used to fish for stars right in my hand
and give them to you as a present. kazam
Abra kadabra, promise not to break your promise
how ironic.
at least leave me with recognizable face, my darling
atleast leave me in decent condition
least you could do to your secret magician.
alcoholic astrologist
captured your drunken words in Ursa Major. How modest, this
sonnet of clay. molded lava. bottle deranged
admonish the pain. now soothe me with sutures
that you stitch with your fingertip dipped in the ruby
it’s not all the same. how’d you find your way here?
moonlit ballads, shadows kissed your brassiere
memorize the sounds of your footsteps
they filled up the room, hold me down as the dusk sets
pillar of doom. left the print of your mouth on my gunsling
video recorded a lot of our moments
now I’ve got film montages of every proponent
how malevolent. coping with the dissected mistrust
I’ve learned more about myself being alone, than in love
ran out of sanctions to word, how my brain figures hurt
turn in your grave. there’s no perfecter way to to observe
the earth inbetween toes. inbetween fingers calloused with rage
now balance it. balance faith with distaste

 

okay.

 

lush scenery, that brushes bushed greenery. beloved blood cherries above deluxe deviled trees, heavenly heralded pillows of snow, mounded desperately as chimney smoke infectiously grows. Christmas time, white and merlot. bite your lips on contact. lick the quietest contrast of colors of this bombastic thunder. as iron fists let the fireplace thaw out the slumber, as you claw down my jawline and my eyes dilate, you fall down a puddle that I create. dive in a divine pool right by the lake. curvature nature, lavender bursts from the rainbow, flavor flirts with the power emanates from your halo. float with me atop of this palace of clay, where pallets of sage surround and crusade us. flowers betray us as we wear flowered berets, a bouquet of dandelions is our only escape. thousand of petals bewildered as they tack onto the grass in the glades, shades of chlorophyll strap onto your shoulder blades where we lay. the ozone fills argon gray, my soul spills into pavement, time stays still for a day.

desultory 

Posted on May 9, 2016

okay. okay

desultory genius. under construction. lost when unnerved 
nothing more bizarre than the absurdist themes conjured with words 

it’s almost perverted with how unconcerned I’ve grown as a man

flirt with death. skeleton slow dance. holding his hands

smile so they see it, hold smog in my lungs

breathe it out when the smoke clears. Simon de Beauvoir 

polished the earth that you stand on, apologies worth

sleep paralysis, demon passage. toss and you turn

I’m your most perfected distraction. go on as you were

cause I’ll never be anyone’s anything or something deserved 

just a deserted desert. destructive. berserk 

deconstruct me to dirt, I’m your diversionary malpractice

making inadvertent adversaries off these Shakespearean actions

the never intended directors cut. a roll of film wasted

the point of this, is concave. an oil drill placement. 

boiled blood painted roses, and the soil in my bones’ clay

another day, another doctrine. just shooting in my two cents

living tooth an nail through this truth is hell nuisance 

give me a hug. give me a kiss

give me a fuck. give a fuck about this.

oblivions done. an oblivious run-around crypt

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