cristian's wordpad & lingering thoughts

dose of Cristianism & other absurdities.

Posts tagged “author

alma (revised half decade old poem with a modernized touch)

Posted on May 11, 2020

Look …over a quarter of my sentences begin with ellipsesthe objective’s to sigh. the intent it carries? illicitmalicious design leaves my lips, but ends so benignthere ain’t a problem when it rains- you couldn’t tell that i criedit becomes complicated to explain- when it wells in my eyehe pretends that he’s not, even though he bottles up the painlocks it in a cage, then polishes his crooked crownused to looking down, when things aren’t looking upone day life’ll flash before my eyes;not sure if that flash is good enoughbeen given a gift to scribe every moment as happenedwith more details. more girth, more exposure, and factorsmere fractions of seconds, become volume seriesweeks of dejection becomes your lifes communal theoryconsummate. times snapped. here’s a problem…

“palindrome”

Posted on April 8, 2020

it’s my inner voice. bragging and shy. so very coy abruptly impassioned in its perilous joy panicking. sulking. abdicate holiness. i salivate at the thought of having you hold me heartbeat in my abdomen slowing rapid eye movement. palindrome dreaming what is the meaning? we battle of the Alamo’ed the last of mohicans i lament having spoken, “i love you and mean it” there wasn’t any valid attempt to salvage our dreaming no valiant feature. no heroine vouching for just palindrome sequence. folklore and pretense commodore drowning with his diamond princess and dreadnought boat Goliath’s visage over david’s corpse and slingshot stones a picture worth a thousand words, abstract distortion how happy id be, if i didn’t have to be coping passive aggressive when…

Orwellian (my battle with depression, dysmorphia, anxiety, body image, eating disorder, perfectionism, and the ongoing back-and-forth with oblivion)

Posted on November 13, 2019

may my last words be half-slurred and cathartic so & so’s favorite blue jeans stained with tear drops & saliva head cradled in their lap, eyes barely widened my interventions’ HQ will be besmirched within silence my shoulder blades girth played role of a harbinger the bonier they got; the more i wished i was a skeleton malnourished, malevolent, maladjusted malaise talking in malformed metaphors to try and explain that there’s a concession of an all-dead jury saying my name prosecutor in a straitjacket who thinks I’m insane reading taped push signs over doors tailored to pull judges with mallets in the same shape of my skull my past lives failed me. pantomime in his glass house flailing glass eyed, no boundaries. highly contagious…

crush

Posted on July 24, 2019

he’s sitting in his shadow match lit. iron sight shifting with his arrow da vinci with a trebuchet. resentment at a younger age don’t think i’ve ever fucking been the same stay still please, so i don’t have to ever aim. heartbeat on my cabernet, gospel on the interlude never into hurting you; but that’s probably hurting you want to hear you love me, but that’s my crawling incertitude I’m sorry. you’ve heard it… too… many times loose lips sink ships on the new delhi line blueberry, thyme, seattle fog on the bloomsbury dime anxiety finds a new adversary for you every time kavinsky playing nightcall nightfall addict. gun-slinging, moonlight absorber eyeball static, upbringing made me too primed for torture leukocyte warlord with a…

boys don’t cry

Posted on July 16, 2019

I’m over evolving. dopamine soberly blossoms noted and jotted in, like an old scripture bludgeoning forecast, people make what they want of him hold whispers. cold shivers. so obviously rigged language is bothering. thunderstorm on the brink on the cusp of oblivion, and never stopping to think or wonder, what wanderlust awaits waverly love dozens foreshadowing. waving red flags like the waging of war bare footed resolve. homosapien scourge black pen granule dissolving. technicolor gradient torch collateral damage. animal bondage lion with his crown of thorns and his lioness hostage i knew you didn’t love me and it wasn’t a matter of knowledge it was a matter of topics. you never mentioned before casualty tally at the head of the door lambs blood painting…

nameless

Posted on June 28, 2019

it’s almost time for a confessional. let’s bathe our feet while we dance sediment wash. baptism in the chemical sand trekking through the barriers that barely stand in touch with invariance. writing love letters. barely legible; sun setters cantaloupe sky. dusk settles. what’s warm love in november? it’s cranberry cheeks. your tongue tingling. teeth surrendering ourselves to eruption. lungs blistering. freeze i’ve talked to god on occasion. mention mary and seph’ carried a mountain on my shoulders through a valley of death i’ve longed for delay. had a walk through nirvana hoisted a banner reading ‘i want to be craved’ we just want to be loved. we just want to partake. on a trotting that doesn’t involve being numb noticed your aura carrying breath…

HUMILITY

Posted on May 29, 2019

soul is sequestered. hanging fruit, in a forest of giants praying for atonement or a holy alliance molding my bones. soul seller solely uncensored sling to be highest bidder, sold to goliath liquor bottle pried in my fingers. corroded and weathered like sewing a sweater, stitching holes i’m developing linoleum tiles. alone in his centerpiece, exhausted, and smiling phone ringing. moment of silence calloused fingers, punching the rotary dialing show me a sign, show me these messages but show me something, worth something more than im fretting for patternized moments wove into metaphors tethered alignment into saturn skies orbit were all enraptured to die for worse or for deserts. for better, I’m dying choke in the sandstorm that envelops the earth lying in dirt.…

blog post: reaction: self help

Posted on February 14, 2019

this is in response to a friends blog post, titled “self help” a person i silently & greatly admire from afar. in ten days from valentines, it will be the “anniversary” of when my childhood friend, took his own life. i was 17. he lived down the street from where I lived. the morning after I went to school, (late, as usual) walked towards the class I was failing. noticing something very strange about the air. when i walked into class, everyone sort of just welcomed me, with fake smiles. depleted hearts. sobering reality kicked in, and the world seemed off. i didn’t pay much attention to it, i didn’t pay much attention to anything that seemed off. cause, fuck the world, and fuck…

again and again, again.

Posted on January 16, 2019

again i hear footsteps awaken the creaks in the floor again. who the fucks at the door? night stand machete laid neatly in drawer revolver neath queen mattress. in case of a quarrel but there’s nothing. just repentance, contempt, intentions dissolved gun powder, protein drinks, and penniless thoughts could’ve sworn there was something. apparently not hear a swarm of bees next to me every day before dark borderline manic. try undoing the damage safe spaces fossilize our balloons & our cages as therapeutic as raindrops on metal roof interchanges interpersonal relationships via internal damnation stray further from kinship. purge the pervasion starboard the king ship. observe the insane social connection more grandeur than normal distinction hormonal response. formality close to instinction forming a bond.…

slowly

Posted on December 19, 2018

she whispers in a drunken moan. she’s slowly falling in love ask her how slowly? we’re slowly making art when we fuck making sure she comprehends. a lion covered in cuts licking wounds. vicissitude. saliva and blood we’re controlled experiments. and you’re variable A variable b, mumbles to himself. paranoia pirated brain dancing in her solitude, self awareness immense telling women it’s ok to aim that gun to my head what’s wrong with you? she asks. where do i start the mountain that’s eroding or my castle of rocks where debris of glass houses lay in demise I’m praying to god. don’t even know if god cares that i die barely a heart. just a human vessel, imitating a life my advice to any…

when hercules jumped into river styx

Posted on November 19, 2018

KILL OR BE BROKEN. KILL OR BE ME killed in combat over and over killing disease killed in disguise killed when i sleep killed in my dreams, killed cause I’m weak attracting spiritually broken, they see healer in me chill in my bones. killing me slowly, kiss me. it’s frozen feeling the breeze. or is that you behind, huffing on these maroon eye, jeweled demon, ruby iris. drool dripping do or die wolve wedding. sheep ring bearers, unsheared sheep pastor wool clothing. the warmth of our corrivalry helps me fall asleep faster hyper empath, i hear your heartbeat miles away hear it, before i fall asleep. hear it when I’m on a date why does it all of a sudden, beat faster? is it…

what the fuck do i do

Posted on October 24, 2018

the moon the moon the moon the sun the sun the moon press mute succumb doomed doomed doomed I’m doomed. we’re done who who who are you who are us? collusion contusions. you’re a cup of hot chocolate on the fiercest winter morning feel the blisters forming whistle through the windows pixelating percentage whistling. cold air whistling dixie through the windows it’s snowing. frost on the glass particle splat icicles look like christmas ornaments your silence makes me question myself i was too human too human. too human too godamn human. too. human. (everywhere i put a period, is a moment in the story where i teared up and cried) . .. . i fucking, maybe i should’ve danced. that one time that one…

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