Tag: author

what the fuck do i do

what the fuck do i do

Cristian Leonardo

the moon the moon
the moon the sun
the sun the moon
press mute
succumb
doomed doomed doomed
I’m doomed. we’re done
who who who
are you
who are us? collusion
contusions.
you’re a cup of hot chocolate
on the fiercest winter morning
feel the blisters forming
whistle through the windows
pixelating percentage
whistling. cold air
whistling dixie
through the windows
it’s snowing.
frost on the glass
particle splat
icicles look like christmas ornaments
your silence
makes me question myself
i was too human
too human. too human
too godamn human.
too.
human.
(everywhere i put a period, is a moment in the story where i teared up and cried)
.
..
.
i fucking, maybe i should’ve danced.
that one time
that one time(.)
maybe that would’ve changed something
that one time that
one time
hot chocolate woman cup
god damnit. open up
do i remain robotic?
or do i remain human!
robot. beep booop
robust. beep boop
my safe full of cold guns
beep boop.
.
.
what do i do with you?

fire breather

fire breather

Cristian Leonardo

I’m a fucking fire breather.
Breathing fire. Eating dragons, for breakfast
who wants some? None of you do
I’ve held back for quite some time
exerting no strength
Ball of fire. Giving the sun spots
ink blots and think thoughts
disregard your discourse
munching on mantras, making mistakes

barely

i learn from them
wake up from nightmares hardly impressed
more creative next time, brain
laughable sequence, you could never understand
i ain’t lazy
just smart
you work hard i work smarter
catch a sneeze in the air
yelling from the sidelines
telling mayweather his footwork is scarce
looking at my mile times like godamn how old is too old to compete in the olympics?
facebook shows me gold medal ads the next day
your ads probably have bronze medal ads.
investing in bronze exports. making a killing
thanks for losing to me. still winning
dumb down my vocabulary to be able to talk
seto masochistic flair pops up when lactic acid settles in
i will say though, my only weakness is knowing when to try

do
i do it or not

do i love you or not? it’s the only time
where I’m clueless. i love it.
I’m scared of these dungeons i’ve never visited before
i barely gave you a chance
only because I’m terrified of defeat
but i’m oddly attracted to how you make me listen to you
not by force
by this weird thing called
love, perhaps
it’s the only thing i can’t decipher
so i try to break it down

molecule by atom
acid and protein
muscles and madness
deconstructing everything into dust
but i didn’t need too
never did
I’m only figuring that now
masqueraded dominance with self love
self deprecating jokes were my crux
like, you came out of nowhere

right there

but nowhere
RIGHT THERE. but nowhere
solving puzzles in seconds
nice one on the wall.
visit art galleries just to figure them out
i know where you thought your last thought, picasso
no escaping my big brain
but you, oh you
i can’t figure anything out. and it’s

RIGHT THERE.

where? right there
she’s right here, cristian
where? there.
my heart?
maybe. but right there. whisper
right there
tinier text. right

there

i remember once i was in mexico
strutting the city streets. and my game was
to memorize everybody’s face for 5 minutes.
needless to say i did that, and i saw them later
walking.
they didn’t know who i was
it was the hardest i ever pushed my brain
i slept for half a day. then went hiking
it wasn’t a pointless story.
those faces
we’re right there. the whole time
as were you.
not you physically. but. you.
you know?

right there

mad scientist

mad scientist

Cristian Leonardo

you mix gunpowder and moments, of silence
and gather components you’d author with smiles
combustible crossover.
gifting a locket, heart shaped alloy, wish upon a asteroid comet
it’ll turn to debris before it reaches to me
countdown from three, wishing a frown obsolete
douse gasoline, that set blaze to decree
miscellaneous mundane, missiletoe mainframe
hypnotize what lingers in me, complex emotions
compartmentalizing alone
left alone in your apartment
high-rise affectionate tease
was used to darkness from sun rise- till sun shivers
and then i’d only see it when you’d
stand in front of me, shut eyes with your fingers
pressed mute with your kisses, tell the moon to revisit
at a later date
neck, shoulder, premeditation
escape  
from your inner desire, and overture taste
melanin eye, brown sepia. tell me my lies.
skeleton sky. clouds breaking off into these lines
where sound waves-get soft, & decibles dice
where consensual lust, rears it’s head in and tithes
gives a percentage of care, pretend to be bare
you only said what you said to dissect what was rare
those are your words. foreword. fast forward, ball of mass in a chokehold, ozone layer of old words layered, strapped over my torso, I’m so… so angered. hormones anchored to you, apropos the flavor. addicted to it. postpone my conflicted prayers. I’m such a sicko. i hate it. like a mad scientist wanting to create frankenstein but can’t,  I’m mal aligned. attack of the titans, a clash of indecisive i cants. i can’t, not decipher the feelings, let me rot and writhe. holding a wallet picture of us in my pocket insides. wanting to gift it. arduous. physics. trying to stop what I’m thinking.

but can’t

you knew

you knew

Cristian Leonardo

it’s bittersweet. grapefruit sauvignon. rose stained cherry motif
nightmare on wax on repeat. please beware of the beast
swiping left. recurring sentiment, pattern repeat
didn’t fall in love with your pictures. fell in love indiscreetly
deciphering flaws, explicating subtle jungian traits
brains defensive mechanism. delegating safety restraints
decoding reflexive emotive. premeditative distaste
automatic, chemical composition innate
features built to delay or forego any possible symptom
of a broken heart, hemoglobin battle wound syndrome
saline suture. calculating how different you are
4am trip to neverland, not a trip to the bar?
borderline blasphemy. there’s times you cry over art
shit you gotta do alone, shit others could never remark
distinguish aquatic serene, underwater nautical scene
scraping off necrotic flesh your hands singed off my being
i wasn’t weird, i was rare. pseudo nominal dream
all circles around compatibility, malleable personage boost
8oz serving with juice. lime chaser and incertitude
enucleated review, i wonder if those winks were signaling doom
i don’t know everything, some swear that i do
to my prophetic odes of text i promptly construed
maybe it’s curse. mineralize moments of malice
materializing minute by minute, hours go vanished
learning to apologize to my fists when dripping in red
how dare me use them for writing and use them for sin
learning to love myself even though i hate when i fall
staring at bloody gauze when i get up from it all
found safe haven disguised in the words that he spews
who knew all you had to do was wipe his tears from his view
who knew all you had to do
was wipe tears from his view
who knew it had to be you
who knew i stop writing when it hurts
who knew you had to wipe tears
who knew tears didn’t hurt when you touched them
who knew i had to stop writing
right
here

disassociation

disassociation

Cristian Leonardo

you passionately spoke, breathing in between ; about how we’d be able to practically look at each other without speaking and know what we mean. hold my hands. slight facial gesture, radiant beam. on the cusp of extraordinary meaning, emboldened by components we both constructed with our definition of love. uphold the only person i wouldn’t give up. ultralight fixture hooked by the seams. lean over and tell me to be sweet to you. a declaration without question i consented too. something from dreams. dreams realized by coincidence. you see, i don’t believe in happenstance, or the desultory theory. i don’t believe in randomness, or fortuitous grandeur. i don’t believe we told each other we loved each other in our most comfortable ways, because it was random and we had to say it because we were put on the spot. hand me the… anthem to your beating heart, look how easeful we let ourselves be. enjoy the moment don’t let anything interject this tell tale juncture. i felt scared, but i fell asleep through it all. no other feet on the floor, making the wood creek. just you and i. no makeup, no making up things to hinder or shade the initial way we very diligently feel. under the shade, drunk, untouchable, dazed, you told me you did, and i remember your body. audacious. bronze, bold, and barely sorry. you stretched it out and let me kiss your neck till we stopped breathing. i’m not seeing, the dots. sequences mocked in my head, surrealist. please, pass the 1800 i left at your place. take a swig, take a swim in it til’ we recreate what we wanted to make. now what the fuck did we want to make? alcoholic infinity pool. ideas wrapped in embalming fluid, conservation effort at its best. medical kits ravaged through and through. petri dish left alone. the moss grows out of control. and before you know it the whole building is moss. they then turn it into a museum that shows the effects of nature without interference from humans. nefarious, ruthless. communication efforts, high rise wink, and a glare. 65 foot story edifice built with the air that we breathed in. we took it too far. maybe we didn’t take it far enough in the day. maybe, i accosted you. maybe i don’t know what to say. maybe i don’t when to put off, or lay off, and just proclaim we’ve gone too far, let’s delay the inevitable army coming to raze the buildings we built, the princesses we locked away in towers, in case someone dared to unravel the chains. battle the dragons that lay in scales of brave souls that couldn’t contain. in the nest atop of the moat, intense guarding by alligators that haven’t eaten in weeks, that stare with listless bloodshot eyes, that peek over the callous, dry mud you feel safe from ever slipping on. i didn’t realize it’d be from the other side of the bar. where we don’t speak to each other and know what we meant. that’s not what i planned. not what i wanted to express, okay? have you ever experienced the glow of rising sun with someone so advanced in your fortress you let them break down the doors to your chamber? i was in six feet of water trying to breathe. guide me, I’m weak. i’m not gonna lie, that night fucking broke me. i solemnly pray, calmly, or i solemnly pray somehow you could calm me. ironic. ionic. electrical charge. cation and anion, embellishing hardship. arrhenius asserted that large compounds irreversibly form into smaller charged particles even without electrical current. this is called dissociation. it sounds like disassociation. i bet you, you weren’t expecting that. wrote print my entire life and fell in love with your cursive. i still remember philip olivier. and i chuckle. can you picture philip olivier? hope my knees don’t buckle and shake, tucked into shapeless projections, and then crumble and break. i have a thousand thoughts in my head and don’t know what else to say. someone just left the coffee shop I’m in. i wish them the best.

the world can’t be given to you by someone else

but they can make it a bit brighter

what they tell you is don’t be selfish

what they don’t tell you is be selfish with love

in your twenties.

telling you right now, be selfish

i remember what your mom said

she wished she never left her first love, it’s a regret that she had

i don’t know if you know. don’t ask

how i

do

cloak and dagger

Cristian Leonardo

you’re

not what i dreamed of

or hoped for, that potential was reached

long before, i harbored emotions in secret

sophomoric sequence, plot twist i saw all along

held my breath for a year, lungs turn carbon to smog

another movie screening, hold hands in between it

reach maximum zenith, whisper “never leave me” under closed palms

so calm. never flinch. a wink and a nod

no blinking for three hours. let that sink in for awhile

lovers island. skipper of ol’ overly passionate

fingers stranded in your hair strands, bend over and ask me

a question, do i love you or not

fingertips touching your every hope. every cross

of fingers, wishing we would drift apart

I’m driftwood and you’re just another fish in the ocean

lake, spring, river whatever’s

spend an eternity painting a picture to think us together

calabaza picking. if i revisit you i get a feeling to itch

uneasy. breeze hits me, the wind changes, while each season commences

we get lazy. it’s insane. we never connect but still swing for the fences

up to my neck in words that don’t even exist

flood in my pharynx, like phalanxes fighting to fix

squad of anxieties i refuse to acknowledge

perusing the side of me i loosely demolished

smokescreen dagger. condensation hazy opaque

wheatgrass chronicle, diary dripping sanctity. lake

bedstand. siamese twin bed, oak crickety floors

the hole in the wall where my fist lived in before

unroot me where i stand, dandelion seed floating amiss

eve foliage, sin growing vivaciously when

there’s ..

quantities of flowers germinating in spring

blooms of orchids in rancor,

tempertantrum fills in the hue

rhythm and blue soapbox

sorted

chrysanthemums

most of its cloak and dagger

tattoo flowers

Cristian Leonardo

it’s
become more of a habit
interval time from interacting with humans
irony overlaps boredom and passion
kiss away sadness. verbally vie away the synapses
blood stained flesh from a rose
thorn on a flower.
cry self preservation to keep presence remote
listen in on private conversations.
fly on the wall
i, carry disdain like i tattooed pride on my arm
in light of today, might as well just be dark
people fill rooms with nice decoration
my empty spaces are filled in with looming
distractions. better me, than you. interaction
pencil me in for the 2 o clock in the noon
i’ll probably be late for that, too.
terrariums. rattlesnake vein photosynthetic approach
poached eggs for breakfast right on my porch
tap the cigarette on the wood, ash lay on my flowers
i wonder how the fuck they still
grow

but they do

maturing too fast

maturing too fast

Cristian Leonardo

it’s up for existential debate. whether or nots
we’re here for a reason, or stranded here just to rot
leisurely lonesomes, sunrise kingdom unfolding
delicate flower, nuclei destined forever in forest
do or die sentiments. sediment ready to rise
blood pact suicide, toes in the sand in the tide
were only in focus when we start to succeed
congratulations/shaking hands to hands shaking in sleep
panic attack, borderline personality disorder
solace in silence.
everyday a soldier is dying
PTSD from maturing too fast. i’ve been told to collide
with my demons. flashback, detachment paranoia. decide
what do with yourself, paranormal dishevelment
clash encounter to delusion like an asteroid belt
entering earth, phenomena avoided like hell
poised to no end, with no end to foretell
such a pity. holy shit. shame we all have stories to tell
100 ears. nobody listens. pouring whiskey in wells
swirl it in the glass, little tornado cyclone,
perhaps we tell it with such hope, rehearsed, to speak it with ease
oh how we change for others -sleep with our demons for free
beelzebub pedigree. honeybee to a wasp
fur elise. Elysium waits with alyssum in her palm
this suggests to me, what i’ve known all along
kiss of death, pain is strength, literally everyy song
diet plan. exercise, what’s your secret to looking your best?
don’t eat for days, ha-ha. pause. i said it in jest
capricorn, libra, maelstrom pathogen, fetal position
battle ballistic, garrison mission. administer oil in my cannabis christen
cataclysmic mushroom smoke. cultured difference aside
there’s more to living, so to speak, than living to die
unambiguous chameleon, dressed in camo fatigue
in his pavilion, that the big wolf blows at til he can barely breathe
grow in a melting pot, petri dish human experiment
give him truancies, periods of time where truth is empirical
hold me a second. let’s grow apart, don’t second guess it
stare at me like a tornado looks at tulsa and edmond

then

a letter to whoever loves me next

Cristian Leonardo

To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if one day my words brings lightning to your lips, and the tingle of electric bursts makes your tongue turn numb. Your cheeks turn red, flushing flirtatiously. Feverish hue, and a bottomless stomach with drunk butterflies maneuvering to get out of, then out of nowhere there’s radio silence. White static for days, weeks, months, and soldiers keep saying roger, roger, roger and out but the frequency is dead. It’s dying. Im sorry if you feel the need to say you love me over and over. Because, my words aren’t reaching you and my love isn’t warming you. Your heart is in winter and the summer solstice is buried deep in my eyeballs. I keep crying because I want to get it out. I want so badly to warm you. I’m sorry, when you say it, that no reciprocation is met, no attention is given, and words lay on deaf ears. Ears, that feel the words go into them but a mouth that is getting no feedback from their vocal chords. A black hole that absorbs all sound. My only way to communicate is to kiss you as softly as I could. Cling onto my lips. I’m sorry if you don’t believe me, this is how I am and I’m trying to change. I feel your body language judging me and it’s tearing me apart. I will worry about losing you, and , i’ll scramble, through everything. I won’t be myself, because i’ve been taught through actions that whatever i do isn’t enough. And enough is in love letters and dates and remembering your mothers birthday and asking you if you’re happy, only to not be happy myself. It’s a self recurring nightmare that feeds on my anxiety. And my anxiety feeds on my heartache and my heartache feeds on my muscles that are too weak to stand up for myself. You’re too good to be true, and if history repeats itself then I think the truth will finish me. My history is a chemistry class, and my teacher tells

me not to play with fire. Understand, that my vulnerability is like trying to put a glass cover on a phone screen and the tiny dust that you can barely see are your words, and reaction to the very phone you’re trying to protect. Understand that my feelings have OCD and the dust are your words and the phone is a magnet to dirt and oil and you need to handle me until your neck hurts and your pores seep sweat. please. We’ll go deep before I admit that I’m new to this. Never done this before. That my soul weeps when you leave, and i don’t know how to sing it lullabies. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people never gave me examples. The examples i have are from a broken template; abandoned because of error. I’m sorry

black liquor

Cristian Leonardo

wish it would stop
watch the laundry spin and then sit on a box
circular sleep. daydream while i cry
kill me at dawn, sing silent night –
no. hum at my grave
dig me up. stop. then kiss my remains
skeletons out the closet. my bones here to stay
shapeshifting gravediggers. I’m barely awake
you talk me alive, i sleep when i yawn
told me to keep eyes closed three eternities long
so she goes again, another fish in the sea
another piece of driftwood breaking off into pieces
tailbaiting fresh water species. as he hums für elise
you don’t mean something to me. just need something to break
defensive in particular. relationship balled into shape
from wheatgrass, liquor, deafness and arguments sake
my wedding vows will start off in malaise
“afraid my depression will slowly degrade you”
in love and in sickness, in health, and inept
sugarcoat your love with your honey colored flesh
other worldly sex, martian soil beneath ourselves
who am i kidding. selfish star gazer lost in himself
probably would decline if you offered me help
i feel how an author thinks when he writes in italics.
how?
a quiet whisper while being slightly sarcastic
half winter, springtime, march solstice
mars rover, enzymes. black liquor
god sold us. paths shrinking. bed time
pillow talk, fact checking. more liquor
store drifting. 4.50. 6 oz flask dangled in sleeve
use disease to reprieve from society as a daily retreat
we’ve become emotionless whatever we do
staring at art, until they tell me to leave
come back the next day to stare on repeat
maybe it’s me. dissecting something that doesn’t exist
in matrix – a glitch. in reality, suboxone, coffee stained marital strips
we go back to a time. nostalgia is a hell of safety net
black liquor here at my side

i know what i need 

Cristian Leonardo

I dont know what I want

whether its surface dwelling alone at the swamp
or an oak in a marsh, soul searching proverbial want
we’re more or less spawns of monsters nobody needs
you were my star spangled banner and I was taking a knee
subterranean breeze, vitamin pond, still smell your perfume
every once in a blue, Dahlia Divin creeps in the room
black lagoon creature. months of despondent malaise
never under the same moon, but always got in your way
every constant is change, every constant in chains
the sheriff to my merits, conversation warranted pain
follow the tunnel light or continue to walk amongst shade
politics, topic delay, boxer on the ropes
you taught me to love; but to love to be alone
a hundred teeth, sunk in deep, til’ they’re rusting at the bone
propaganda prone, post traumatic melodic drama
copacetic cathartic static, momentary sedative saga
mama said to me never mince words with misses karma
megabit verbage. sapient alma in the trenches of mock prison
velvet and soft linen, cotton henley makeshift pajama
couldnt figure you out…
kissed crevasses in your skin you were indifferent
about
you’re awkwardly distant to things that slipped through my mouth
look at you now..
Sinatra’s lovers glance, blood soaked sinful devout
the untolds dripping, gun smoke cigarette clouds
love grows thinner when sun strokes negligent doubt
what comes, goes.
hum low under floor boards or they’ll figure us out
self destruct sequence, count to zero with me
feel your feelings metamorph like metaphors in the breeze
i don’t know what i want, i just know what i need
better go home before I’m awoke and i see you
full of momentary passes focused entropy seams
beams of light bustling through cracks in the stream
pockets of time form like globules; we’d skip stones in ravine
everything’s too loud even when the volumes negative three
nothing we do can salvage this irreparable dream
que pena me da, que lo tienes sentir
shouted at you to leave, as i whispered the please

vanish

Cristian Leonardo

I’m the saddest man on the planet
dulcet zones become eruptions of death
memorizing vocal tones, or numbing distress
most ballads, hit home, requiem out of balance
such a synergistic release comes from, this basket of malice
ill have it to here – 22oz black coffee french press
sinning continuously, in her black coffee sun dress
anarchy is best dressed, brown leather lounge padded headrest
takes a village to raise a child, theres no one to raise it with us
pillaged through blades of grass, photosynthetic assortment
spilling your flask til its empty, blood served in a brass veil
vivider mass pavilion. mom kept the pictures of dad, still
photo album laminating. magnifying glass on an anthill
steel razor tandem. Dear, anybody, anywhere who has ears
in a position to translate. this ballad i have here
monochromatic morse code
willing to listen. put your phone down. stethoscope to a torso
I trot through universes i never knew that existed,
thinking of becoming perfect with you, seemed so delicious.
I press my lips against windows you’ve brandished
just to kiss what you’ve managed to touch
ive become calloused. and rough. galloping stallion tusk
and you vanish